BY ELISABETH JACKSON | ILLUSTRATION BY LEAH ELY
Way to start off the new year with a bang! The exploding hoverboards are not turning out like everyone had planned. Looks like it’s back to the drawing boards for 2015’s attempt to memorialize Back to the Future, much like the reign of Apple over the modern generation. With their recent announcement to make all new iPhones only compatible with Apple headphones, it would not be surprising if everyone (except maybe the Powerball winner) drop the iPhone to better explore the Galaxy.
Speaking of basic people trying new things, the fashion company Dolce & Gabbana launched a line of hijabs and abayas… modeled by caucasian women whose religion is up for debate. A cosmetic company out of Thailand released its new skin whitener, Snowz. Who would want that, you ask? The model involved with the product states, “You just need to be white to win.” So, Super Bowl fans, watch to see how that theory plays out for your favorite team. Whatever the result of that contest may be, it is now clear that history is doomed to repeat itself: Michael Jackson obviously wasn’t warning enough. Next, maybe foot binding will make a comeback.
With 7.5 million students in the U.S. racking up a month of school absences each year on average, it’s astonishing that little old Papio South has 20 students attending a knitting club each week. Then again, with our new Junior High soon to be cranking out more and more overly sensitive, chocolate craving students from PMS (Papillion Middle School) each year, knitting seems like a natural development.
Another natural thing: Valentine’s Day and heartbreak. This seemingly lovey-dovey holiday is cursed and everyone knows it. You’re either forever alone or stranded in the old market staring at the ashes of M’s pub with your date.
Now that it seems like an appropriate time to begin thinking about the upcoming presidential election, it’s as if everything is already decided. When Donald Trump is elected president by his seemingly invisible large group of supporters, everyone will be forced to pack their bags into canoes, and flood Canada. It’s unfortunate Canada’s made citizenship so tricky in light of our upcoming political problems. At least with Offutt and Obama lurking around our neighborhoods we’ll be partially sheltered from the upcoming political events. It just seems a little suspicious that Hillary Clinton can put national security at risk by having highly classified intel on her personal server, yet you can’t watch a pirated movie one time without your laptop catching a virus.
On a lighter note, it is the time of year you should be sleeping with your PJs inside out and praying for a snow day each night. You know you all want one. Take that $9 minimum wage, indulge your significant other this Valentine’s Day. Forget the new dietary guidelines! You weren’t going to keep your New Year’s resolution anyway.